Friday, February 25, 2011
Name Change
This week we went to the clerk at the court. We filed the paperwork for the official name change. We call on Monday to find out when the court date will be. More on this later.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Dr visit
This post needed to be on it's own. Mainly, for those that needed a break from the beginning story but also because it in itself is a story.
So part of the "standard of care" calls for establishing a relationship with a Dr. My children being blessed with good health, don't see a Dr enough to establish a relationship before, but I guess when you are trans, someone has decided that this practice of spending money to build some Dr's pool or buy his next car, is something we should contribute.
Max was sick with mono a few years ago, and young enough then to go to a Pediatrician. However, I thought since this is just the beginning of our new found "relationship" we should go to an adult Dr as life has shown me we only get older. The building we went to prior with the Pediatrician is the same one for this Dr. so they already had our info, but I noticed, and I'm SURE Max noticed underneath that dreaded name Makenzie, was the bigger than life F, that I'm sure he thought reflected right off his head for the whole waiting room to see. I circled it for the woman at the desk and asked, pointing to my son, do you think we can get rid of that?? Either change it, or delete it, or something? She looked at me, and obviously never had that question before. She asked another woman sitting at a computer, and poof it was done! However, the stickers they printed out already had the F attached. After 20 min or so of waiting, a woman comes out holding a laptop computer and took the folder I was given with our stickers on it. So all the way to the room, which seemed to be in the back of the building and what seemed like a half mile away....she's looking at Max, then looking at her computer, then looking at the stickers, back to Max, back to the computer....so on and so on. We get back to the room and she excuses herself saying she has to "clarify" something. I speak up, knowing what she needed to clarify and did it for her! Told her we aren't trying to play games with the Dr by freaking him out or anything and have every intention on letting him know before he touches Max, BUT really don't feel the need to have F on the paperwork. ....AGAIN, those paperwork people insisting on there being a M or an F to make their lives complete! So she leaves it be but "warns" the Dr before he arrives.
I do have to point out that I phrased this visit to be a "well physical" so that it would be covered by insurance, as many have found out, the minute you mention trans, POOF nothing is covered....however, didn't someone mandate that I establish a "relationship" with a Dr?? and several Dr's at that! so WTH!
So I try to just to tell myself, she's just undereducated in this subject and can't wait until the Dr arrives to have a much more intelligent conversation. What I learned was far from it. Not that the man was not educated. I'm sure he was, but with transgender, NOT SO MUCH. I found myself having to educate. Throwing things in whenever he made a comment or asked a question. One of the things I specifically remember saying when he asked Max about his "sexual crushes" and the answer being BOYS. Was in these words, "you know that sexual orientation and gender identity are two separate things right?" I don't think this was learned since when we left I looked at the paper that had the "diagnosis" on it and it read, in bold letters. "GENDER IDENTITY DISORDER, SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO MALES". Is being gay a medical diagnosis anyway??? But the other educating I had to do was when he asked what we were doing there....I said, again we are here for a "physical" (for insurance purposes) but also we need a referral. He then asked what kind of Dr we needed a referral for!! A "neurologist"? Yes, he did say this to me!! WHAT? What would he do for us??? Gender Identity, expression, etc, is NOT a Neurological disorder. I personally don't even think it is psychological but diagnosis through Psych. Anyway, I continued and tried to not laugh, but said, "well next step with us would be hormones so probably an Endocrinologist would be best". GEEEZ!!!
So the encouraging thing from this though is that I made that Endo appointment today. The woman at the desk said they had received the info from our Primary Doc about WHY we were being seen. I was then pleasantly surprised, when I was informed that our new Dr would be setting aside a TWO hr consultation! I sure hope this is the beginning of a beautiful relationship!
More to come after appt, unless something pressing comes up before that......March 3rd at 10am!! Max is getting excited.
So part of the "standard of care" calls for establishing a relationship with a Dr. My children being blessed with good health, don't see a Dr enough to establish a relationship before, but I guess when you are trans, someone has decided that this practice of spending money to build some Dr's pool or buy his next car, is something we should contribute.
Max was sick with mono a few years ago, and young enough then to go to a Pediatrician. However, I thought since this is just the beginning of our new found "relationship" we should go to an adult Dr as life has shown me we only get older. The building we went to prior with the Pediatrician is the same one for this Dr. so they already had our info, but I noticed, and I'm SURE Max noticed underneath that dreaded name Makenzie, was the bigger than life F, that I'm sure he thought reflected right off his head for the whole waiting room to see. I circled it for the woman at the desk and asked, pointing to my son, do you think we can get rid of that?? Either change it, or delete it, or something? She looked at me, and obviously never had that question before. She asked another woman sitting at a computer, and poof it was done! However, the stickers they printed out already had the F attached. After 20 min or so of waiting, a woman comes out holding a laptop computer and took the folder I was given with our stickers on it. So all the way to the room, which seemed to be in the back of the building and what seemed like a half mile away....she's looking at Max, then looking at her computer, then looking at the stickers, back to Max, back to the computer....so on and so on. We get back to the room and she excuses herself saying she has to "clarify" something. I speak up, knowing what she needed to clarify and did it for her! Told her we aren't trying to play games with the Dr by freaking him out or anything and have every intention on letting him know before he touches Max, BUT really don't feel the need to have F on the paperwork. ....AGAIN, those paperwork people insisting on there being a M or an F to make their lives complete! So she leaves it be but "warns" the Dr before he arrives.
I do have to point out that I phrased this visit to be a "well physical" so that it would be covered by insurance, as many have found out, the minute you mention trans, POOF nothing is covered....however, didn't someone mandate that I establish a "relationship" with a Dr?? and several Dr's at that! so WTH!
So I try to just to tell myself, she's just undereducated in this subject and can't wait until the Dr arrives to have a much more intelligent conversation. What I learned was far from it. Not that the man was not educated. I'm sure he was, but with transgender, NOT SO MUCH. I found myself having to educate. Throwing things in whenever he made a comment or asked a question. One of the things I specifically remember saying when he asked Max about his "sexual crushes" and the answer being BOYS. Was in these words, "you know that sexual orientation and gender identity are two separate things right?" I don't think this was learned since when we left I looked at the paper that had the "diagnosis" on it and it read, in bold letters. "GENDER IDENTITY DISORDER, SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO MALES". Is being gay a medical diagnosis anyway??? But the other educating I had to do was when he asked what we were doing there....I said, again we are here for a "physical" (for insurance purposes) but also we need a referral. He then asked what kind of Dr we needed a referral for!! A "neurologist"? Yes, he did say this to me!! WHAT? What would he do for us??? Gender Identity, expression, etc, is NOT a Neurological disorder. I personally don't even think it is psychological but diagnosis through Psych. Anyway, I continued and tried to not laugh, but said, "well next step with us would be hormones so probably an Endocrinologist would be best". GEEEZ!!!
So the encouraging thing from this though is that I made that Endo appointment today. The woman at the desk said they had received the info from our Primary Doc about WHY we were being seen. I was then pleasantly surprised, when I was informed that our new Dr would be setting aside a TWO hr consultation! I sure hope this is the beginning of a beautiful relationship!
More to come after appt, unless something pressing comes up before that......March 3rd at 10am!! Max is getting excited.
Background
I often tell this story so it shouldn't embarrass my child....I gave birth to four daughters. Back in the day...at least 14 yrs and later, ultrasounds were not used like they are now. I was "surprised" at birth without knowing the gender of my child ahead of time. I have to admit that child #4, I was alittle disappointed when the Dr announced that it was yet another girl. Who would have thought that I would have gotten a HUGE lesson one day on gender and what it really is. Gender is really society based....not at all what any of us think...it's only what we are taught.
So further into my life, jump ahead four years. I'm adjusting just fine to having four little girls. Dressing them in twirling dresses, putting in hairbows, and painting many things pink! Christmases filled with Barbie dolls, play kitchens and fuzzy pink slippers. Isn't that what we are suppose to do?? At least the gender lawmakers (I still don't know who they are) and the gender paperwriters (you know the ones that insist on putting male or female on paperwork when it's really none of your business) are the ones that I was taught by.
My youngest daughter (I can say daughter now because that's what I thought she was then), only having older sisters and this family that fed into the gender buying game, saw a boy for really the first time when she was four. Of course there was dad....but even dad isn't really a man, he's DAD! So I dropped my child off to a daycare, a mixed gender daycare as most are. Much to my ignorance then, my child came home with the most excitement I had seen so far in her short little life. "Mommy, mommy, I KNOW what I am"!! "What do you mean?", I asked. "I'm one of those", as she was pointing to a boy. So many questions later, some of which I remember as being, "what were they playing with something you liked?" or "was he wearing something you wanted". I was also thinking, what the heck are they doing at that school. Letting all the boys play while the girls have to clean or something!! The response I got was when I KNEW! She said, "no, I'm a boy on the INSIDE".
I didn't just remember this story when Makenzie (now Max) came out officially at age 13. I played that over and over in my head throughout the whole time. What I wished I had done and what I did are now two different things. Max isn't happy that we didn't play it differently, but learning from mistakes and moving forward is all I have.
I chose to wait, to follow the schools when they said, no you can't use the boys restroom. And fight a bit when they wanted him to play "softball" with the girls instead of play baseball with the boys. I let him wear what made him comfortable and stopped buying anything in the girls section really early on. However, I still had her hair longer, and used SHE exclusively.
Fast forward to that day....shortly after he came home with his head shaved. Now ok, I have to admit I was SHOCKED to say the least that he went to school one day and came home with his head shaved. It was a bold statement on his part, and the beginning of the "coming out". So a few weeks later, he asked his father and I to talk. We went to a Starbucks and sat down. He was scared to say it but it came out and our response literally was OK, we already know that! But more importantly let's get learning and finding more information on what to do next.
Yet another "wish I would have" moment came when I watched a show, featuring a boy, about the same age. Running around playing basketball with his shirt off. I'm thinking WOW how can this female bodied child do this!! Turns out Max could have gone on hormone blocking therapy. Unfortunately, at 13 it was too late. SHE had already gotten a period, breasts etc. What would it have mattered?? Other than the more comfortable it would have made Max, it would have saved a horrible "top surgery" needed, which leaves huge scars and often times has complications. It would have as well as kept him from getting that dreaded monthly reminder that HE is indeed still a SHE.
But, as we are learning we keep telling Max, that we can not go back and change the past, we can only move foward through the future. We are supportive, be thankful and grateful for that, as many parents are not. I though can not fathom that idea....disowning your child!!! Why?, because they aren't the perfect dream you had in your head about WHO or WHAT they should be?? Heck, I'm sure I'm not the picture of perfection my mother dreamed, so who am I to judge.
My main focus at this point was to get educated, to find support and most importantly protect my child from the HATE in the world.
So many months but not years later, we are to today. Today we have met MANY transmen that have been so completely wonderful and helpful to us. We have learned about binders, T, and men's bathroom etiquette. We have gotten support online and through weekly groups and meetings. Max has found comfort with men like himself (or big brothers since so far none are of his age), and we have found support with other allies. I'm amazed and happy that there are so many people out there for us.
We have started counseling...finally finding a transfriendly one that wasn't trying to "fix" this "disorder". Have started with Dr visit and next on to the Endocrinologist for hormone therapy soon.
More on Dr visit in next post ....Max is now 14y 8m
So further into my life, jump ahead four years. I'm adjusting just fine to having four little girls. Dressing them in twirling dresses, putting in hairbows, and painting many things pink! Christmases filled with Barbie dolls, play kitchens and fuzzy pink slippers. Isn't that what we are suppose to do?? At least the gender lawmakers (I still don't know who they are) and the gender paperwriters (you know the ones that insist on putting male or female on paperwork when it's really none of your business) are the ones that I was taught by.
My youngest daughter (I can say daughter now because that's what I thought she was then), only having older sisters and this family that fed into the gender buying game, saw a boy for really the first time when she was four. Of course there was dad....but even dad isn't really a man, he's DAD! So I dropped my child off to a daycare, a mixed gender daycare as most are. Much to my ignorance then, my child came home with the most excitement I had seen so far in her short little life. "Mommy, mommy, I KNOW what I am"!! "What do you mean?", I asked. "I'm one of those", as she was pointing to a boy. So many questions later, some of which I remember as being, "what were they playing with something you liked?" or "was he wearing something you wanted". I was also thinking, what the heck are they doing at that school. Letting all the boys play while the girls have to clean or something!! The response I got was when I KNEW! She said, "no, I'm a boy on the INSIDE".
I didn't just remember this story when Makenzie (now Max) came out officially at age 13. I played that over and over in my head throughout the whole time. What I wished I had done and what I did are now two different things. Max isn't happy that we didn't play it differently, but learning from mistakes and moving forward is all I have.
I chose to wait, to follow the schools when they said, no you can't use the boys restroom. And fight a bit when they wanted him to play "softball" with the girls instead of play baseball with the boys. I let him wear what made him comfortable and stopped buying anything in the girls section really early on. However, I still had her hair longer, and used SHE exclusively.
Fast forward to that day....shortly after he came home with his head shaved. Now ok, I have to admit I was SHOCKED to say the least that he went to school one day and came home with his head shaved. It was a bold statement on his part, and the beginning of the "coming out". So a few weeks later, he asked his father and I to talk. We went to a Starbucks and sat down. He was scared to say it but it came out and our response literally was OK, we already know that! But more importantly let's get learning and finding more information on what to do next.
Yet another "wish I would have" moment came when I watched a show, featuring a boy, about the same age. Running around playing basketball with his shirt off. I'm thinking WOW how can this female bodied child do this!! Turns out Max could have gone on hormone blocking therapy. Unfortunately, at 13 it was too late. SHE had already gotten a period, breasts etc. What would it have mattered?? Other than the more comfortable it would have made Max, it would have saved a horrible "top surgery" needed, which leaves huge scars and often times has complications. It would have as well as kept him from getting that dreaded monthly reminder that HE is indeed still a SHE.
But, as we are learning we keep telling Max, that we can not go back and change the past, we can only move foward through the future. We are supportive, be thankful and grateful for that, as many parents are not. I though can not fathom that idea....disowning your child!!! Why?, because they aren't the perfect dream you had in your head about WHO or WHAT they should be?? Heck, I'm sure I'm not the picture of perfection my mother dreamed, so who am I to judge.
My main focus at this point was to get educated, to find support and most importantly protect my child from the HATE in the world.
So many months but not years later, we are to today. Today we have met MANY transmen that have been so completely wonderful and helpful to us. We have learned about binders, T, and men's bathroom etiquette. We have gotten support online and through weekly groups and meetings. Max has found comfort with men like himself (or big brothers since so far none are of his age), and we have found support with other allies. I'm amazed and happy that there are so many people out there for us.
We have started counseling...finally finding a transfriendly one that wasn't trying to "fix" this "disorder". Have started with Dr visit and next on to the Endocrinologist for hormone therapy soon.
More on Dr visit in next post ....Max is now 14y 8m
Why blog
I've read so many other blogs and thought, wow! Pretty gutsy really to put it all out there. I also found so many of them so very helpful, and think if I can help someone that might be going through the same things as me through my journey, why not.
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